By now you’ve seen the local news reports that there’s a HALF A BILLION dollars up for grabs in the Powerball multi-state lottery.
You’ve heard the radio DJs fielding calls with people telling their stories of winning lotteries (and losing lots more) in the past.
You’ve had water cooler conversations with co-workers about how if they won the historic $500,000,000, they’d still come to work for fear of boredom at having nothing to do.
“You’d never know if I won because I’d still come to work.”
“Really? Was that your Ferrari 599X parked in the employee-of-the-month spot? Very inconspicuous.”
I must disclose some things before continuing:
- If I won a half-billion dollars, a paltry $327.4 million after taxes, my weird-rich-guy-eccentricity would be a brand new pair of socks EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s right. I’d wear them once, and then donate to charity or burn them. Why? Because I’d need a rich-guy-eccentricity and that one seems as good as any other. In fact, seems better than hunting human beings for the ultimate thrill or something along those lines. Don’t judge me.
- If I won the Powerball, I wouldn’t work anymore. Napping would be my new job, and I’d be damn good at it.
- I don’t ever play the lottery.
Now, why would I pass up my chance at never having to wear a previously worn pair of socks for the rest of my life?
Simple. I know the odds.
Han Solo would most definitely not be interested in hearing that your chances of winning tonight’s Powerball lottery tonight are 175,223,510 to 1.
All at once, people, “So, you’re saying there’s a chance!”
Yes, I’m saying there’s a chance. But there’s also a BETTER chance of these things happening to you BEFORE you win the lottery:
- 77 to 1, you’ll die in car accident. That statistic right there is enough to make me not want to drive at all, anywhere, ever. In fact, that’s enough to make me never leave my house.
- 1.5 million to 1, you’ll become a movie star. On the bright side, you’ll still be a millionaire. On the bad side… there’s no bad side.
- 88,000 to 1, you’ll date a supermodel. But seriously, guys, those girls just NEVER get asked out. Men are intimidated by beauty. Pffffft. Those odds go up significantly if you actually win the lottery FIRST.
- 18,000 to 1, you’ll be murdered. Surprisingly, if you live next to an old, abandoned insane asylum built on an ancient Indian burial ground those odds go up, too. WEIRD.
- 250 to 1, your child is a genius. This is actually the way I play the lottery. Hoping and praying that one of my three kids is a genius. Not a Beautiful Mind or Rain Man genius, but a Steve Jobs or the person that invented Kitty Wigs kind of genius. They’ve got to be millionaires by now.
All those things being said, I’d love to encourage everyone to rush out and grab a lottery ticket tonight before 10:00 p.m. ET.
Heck, I might even brave getting struck by lightning (10,000,000 to 1) and pick up a ticket for myself.
Tell us about what you’d do with that kind of money or if you’re playing tonight in the comments below!